I Deserve

photo credit Photo by Mareko Tamaleaa on Unsplash

~Kim Libertini

“What could I have possibly done in this life to deserve this?”  That question incessantly echoed inside my head. I was incapable of comprehending how THIS could happen to me and yet I was surrounded by people happily living their lives.  It didn’t make sense. For a period of time, the sheer pain I experienced from raw grief challenged every belief I held.

When someone dies, people offer consolation by sharing the phrase ”Life isn’t fair.” Hearing those words in the depths of my grief felt like someone poured salt in my gaping wound. It ensued fits of anger and emotional meltdowns. No matter how much time has gone by, I have yet to find the answers to my “whys.”  But I have figured out what I deserve.

I deserve:

the person that loves both me and my children. 

to feel like I am the only person in the room.

someone who hangs on to my words as if they are the last words on Earth.

a person that asks how my day was and really wants to know.

“I miss you” only moments after we part.

to be challenged intellectually and respected equally.

to laugh uncontrollably just because.

to be with someone that wants just as much for me as I want for them.

to feel like I can do this life because my person is by my side.

“How do I know?” you ask. Grief has taught me that this is what I once had and I deserve nothing less.  

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