It’s 2a.m. My mind racing, I stare at the bedroom ceiling. I make lists. I’m running through options and all possible scenarios, having an argument inside my head. I haven’t slept much with this weighing on me. This is how it works. Unfortunately, this comes with bearing the title sole survivor. When faced with one of life’s heavies, I can’t go home and work through it with my person. He’s not here. And there’s no family sit down where everyone chimes in offering their own life experiences to help. Just me. Yes, I have spoken to friends and their advice is both welcome and appreciated. But the reality is…it’s on me. Once again, I must find a solution that works for not only me, because that would be much easier, but also my two children.
As the process unfolds and my thoughts swirl, the gamut of emotions surface. I’m overcome with sadness of missing the days when Adam was alive and we just seemed to solve things together. There’s envy of those who still have their parents to turn to for emotional support. Anger surfaces toward the man I once married, and then divorced, who essentially created much of my current situation. But the biggest cloud that sits over my head is worry for the fact that my decision will greatly impact the lives of my little boys. The emptiness and loneliness begin to emerge. I can feel tears of emotion begin to fill my eyes but I fight them back.
My rational brain takes over. It says,” You’ve been through much worse and survived.” If I say it out loud, I know this is true. I mentally list the things I’ve been through and rebuilt from. I can’t help but think, “Does it ever end? Is there ever a break?” If I allow positivity to drive the situation, then, my break has to be on the other side of this solution. I flinch. I’m wasting time thinking emotionally. I need to get back to solving the problem because time is exerting pressure. It’s just me. My mind races.
Kim Libertini is all too familiar with grief and the Co-Founder of Goodgrief App, the social network for loss available for less than a latte, for download in the App Store, Google Play and www.goodgriefapp.com. You can follow Goodgrief App on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.