The Pause

This is a grief blog. The pages intended for sharing the hard journey of stitching oneself together anew after things fall apart. However, grief feels distant this morning. My little family (read: the boys and me) is on a summer vacation. We’re staying with friends in a house perched on a bay filled with boats. … Continue reading The Pause

Recovering

At least once a day a friend, colleague, or stranger asks, “How are you?” My normal response is “fine,” or “good,” or any other terse platitude that fills conversation. Today, because I’m feeling raw and brutally honest, I would say “I’m recovering.” Recovering from my last chapter in life and recovering the next one. The … Continue reading Recovering

Waking Up To Grief

There’s a surreal moment that happens again and again when grieving. It occurs after sleep. Falling asleep is hard enough, and yet waking up feels harder still. That’s when reality comes back into focus. The reality of a life you don’t want. The reality that you’re in free fall. The daunting task of making it … Continue reading Waking Up To Grief

A Letter To My Exhausting Children

Dear children, You are exhausting and relentless and I’m eternally grateful for this. Every morning, at least one of you thumps down the hall into my bedroom. You climb in quietly beside me before twisting like a pretzel on spit, your elbows and knees prodding me erratically. Or, you stand next to the bed and … Continue reading A Letter To My Exhausting Children

Chew On This Memory, Mom

On our walk to school this morning, my boys and I crossed paths with a woman smelling of sweet mint. The scent launched me down memory lane. It zoomed past my forties with their dismantling of family and arrival at the unknown. Past the thirties collaged with growing a career and growing babies. It flew … Continue reading Chew On This Memory, Mom

The Value of Strength

~Kim Libertini Before loss, I was familiar with the word strength. After loss, strength took on a new connotation with immeasurable value.    In the acute stage of loss, strength was... getting out of bed. showering. getting to work. eating. Between years one and two, strength was ... making a meal for myself, knowing I … Continue reading The Value of Strength

Daughter in Mom’s Clothing

In the days, weeks, and months after my mother passed away, I wore her clothes constantly. Usually, it was an oversize brown cardigan with large plastic buttons and even larger button holes. The shoulders are broad and the bottom hem has stretched so that it hangs longer in the front than back. From an outsider’s … Continue reading Daughter in Mom’s Clothing

Seasonal Shifts and Grief Transformations

Photo by Emerson Lima on Unsplash ~Kim Libertini My glances into the car mirror peered into what seemed like an abyss.  The view, marked by a dark, cold, and hollow emptiness, was winter. Colors restricted to grayscale, made the experience feel dismal and reflected a never-ending season length.  Just as unbearable set in, on today’s drive a transitional … Continue reading Seasonal Shifts and Grief Transformations

Blurse

Here’s an unofficial entry for the urban dictionary: BLURSE Definition: Existing as a blessing and curse simultaneously, which could just be another way to describe the human experience. Sentence 1: Grief is a blurse. It helps us appreciate life’s smallest moments because we’ve had large losses. Sentence 2: The blurse of getting older is not … Continue reading Blurse

Searching After Loss

Vietnamese and Amerasian babies aboard an Operation Babylift plane to Oakland, April 1975. Source: covvha.net ~Kim Libertini Adopted by two American parents, my identity was shaped by the family that raised me. The physical trait differences between my adopted parents and me were glaring but growing up, it didn’t phase me. I remember my parents … Continue reading Searching After Loss